So here we are telling the truth

Of course every women is different. That's the only thing all these different women can agree on. And this of course applies to pregnancy so, reader, be aware that within these pages you shall find only my experiences, no more no less. if you are expecting I can only hope that this is alien to you. If not, then you've been warned...

Also, this is written in no particular order (except maybe the most horrible painful spring to mind first).

1) Morning sickness.

Bullshit. Morning? Unless morning lasts 6 weeks and counting I'm not sure I get. So at first you feel fine. In fact you feel exactly the same as usual: you fancy nicotine and alcohol and coffee and food, preferably consumed together. Then one day you look at some pleasant ravioli in the fridge and hurl. Appetite disappears. Every smell (which is magnified to its millionth power) pulls on some long fragile cable that suspends the stomach and makes the guts wobble. The mildewy smell under the sink, the fresh paint, the cigarette smoke, the shower gel, the grilled sausages, candle wax, cooked spinach... everything sets off drool and retching.

Morning sickness set in around week 6, that's about 4 weeks after conception (just because). Chicken nuggets started it off. I really felt like some (I usually won't touch them) so microwaved some frozen at work. Big mistake. After that I could just about chew anything very bland but not swallow. The thought of anything made me feel horrible and perversely, the less you eat, the more the juices flow and the shittier you feel. The doctor, a.k.a Hitler, suggested 6 to 8 small meals a day, which apart from being physically impossible was not pratical. i spend around 6 hours a day in the company of students, teaching them English in a small training room or in their office. Not the right time to start making and eating ham sandwiches and washing apples.

The worst experience came on May 23rd, in a fashionable new restaurant in the 9th. Light, fresh, 3 course menu with wonderful ingredients and a real twist on classics. Cold fennel soup with vanilla and grilled almonds, tranluscent cod on a bed of bright green parsley puree. YUCK!! never has anything been so fragrant and creamy and sweet and green. I can't even remember dessert, I think I spent all evening in the loo.

One day things get better. you wake up  without a cannon ball on your chest. Immediate panic of course because you think you've lost the baby, but no fear, the nausea does come back, in unexpected waves and at odd times, in the night, or in the metro, in the middle of a pronunciation exercise or in the middle of (a light) lunch.

The worst occured of course while teaching. I have many students, though I see most for only a week when they come for an intensive 42-hour course at the school. Others I have scattered in companies and extensive lessons, and I see them every fortnight or so in their office or at the school. General H. is one of the latter. A consultant for France's major defense company, he is a retired general and has seen a lot of battle, negociated extremely tricky situations and is basically a living history book ("War : 1970-2012"). He is also a pleasant, fluffy and dignified old chap, friendly and clearly rather conservative. I was feeling ok and was confident that my lesson would go well with Uncle H. We were at the annex, a small office a few streets away from the main school. It's in an old parisian building, and it has rooms leading off a very long and winding corridor; We were as far away from the loo as possible. Mid-lesson I felt the familiar symptoms (rising drool, need to sneeze, stomach churning battery acid) and excused myself, running down the endless corridor. Into the tiny loo and found relief, not with a gentle plop you understand but with a coughing, hacking, burping opera of empty stomach and hormones. Eventually I got up, red, tears streaming down my face and realised that the tiny window was open and that the concert had been echoing around the silent courtyard, straight into my classroom. When I got back, I understood that he thought I was drunk of  hungover, so I told him the truth and he was delighted for me. That's the plus side. It's horrible but everyone is very nice.

Today I feel fine in the mornings but feel very sick in the afternoons, whether I eat, lightly, or not. There are good days and bad, and the saying that the sickness disappears at 12 weeks is certainly not applicable in my case. Things are better and I can face food. But not all of them all the time, and not sometimes not at all. To be fair, sometimes i can also eat like a monster.

So, at 14 weeks pregnant, i'm hoping that things will have settled before long. it wold be nice to gorge this summer after all.