So here we are in the 56 bus

It's not every day one finds oneself in a surreal comedy sketch so I thought I'd try and share this crazy bus journey with you...

So I was at the maternity in the far east of Paris last Friday for some final blood tests and, unable to find a taxi in the area to carry my huge load back home, decided to take the bus.

I waddled to the bus stop, just in time to see the 56 sail away down the street; checked the digital display board- 15 minute wait- and settled down with my magazine and second breakfast of the day. A middle-aged gentleman came along, saw the board and started telling me that this bloody bus was always late, absolute scandal. Noticing I was pregnant, he started to rant saying that pregant women and elderly folk such as himself really shouldn't have to wait when the weather is so cold. I made polite clucking noises and returned to Paris Match.

A woman with a huge shopping trolley appeared and basically groaned about the same thing. Really! the market won't be around all day you know! Bloody incompetent bus. Then another pregnant lady, clearly coming from the maternity herself, squashed herself down next to us and, looking at the board began to panic about how long the bus was going to take-she was going to be late for work.

This was a little surprising to me, clearly these people have never had to take a bus on a friday late-morning in the suburbs where you can easily wait two hours. Also, having taken this bus before I was pretty certain it was going to be deserted; last time I had even wondered how much it cost the RATP to finance empty buses tootling through Paris.  

A few minutes before this clearly longed-for bus appeared, a homeless guy, limping, very skinny and carrying a sleeping bag crawled upto the bus shelter. He was clearly very cold, stank of piss, and had vast amounts of snot flowing around his mouth like a gruesome oral jellyfish attack. Lacking cash but well-stocked up on Kleenex, I took a few out and reached over to him; He took one look at my offering and started whimpering with his eyes shut, rocking slightly on his heels.

"'Leave him', said shopping trolley woman, 'he's always here at this time, he'll be off again in a moment'.

Really? Ok. So, having once more tried to shove the Kleenex in his hand with nothing more than a groan in response, I sat back down. Sure enough, two minutes later he packed up his stuff and shuffled off again. Clearly there is a routine I'm not aware of here.

The 56 bus arrives dead on time to comments of "about bloody time". It's absolutely packed. I get a seat of course, opposite a little birdy woman. Across the aisle from me an elderly skinny man barks. Literally. WOOF!

Birdy woman gets out and a middled-aged woman with a dozen bags of Xmas shopping plonks in front of me. A dozen Xmas shopping bags land on my feet, knees and huge 37 week pregnant bump.

'Don't worry! there's enough room for all of it', she chuckles. 'So when is your baby due?'
'Any time now', I reply, 'but due date in January'.
'Ah! Capricorn!',she says, 'I get on well with Capricorn because I'm Pisces'.
'Right. And she'll be a dragon according to the Chinese zodiac'.
'Oh, I don't know anything about that. I'm Pisces rising sign Pisces, so you know I'm very Pisces. Very emotional, sentimental and trusting. But I don't forgive you know.'
'Right; no'.
'What are you?'

WOOF WOOF! The man started barking intensely. Nobody looked up.

'Sagittarius rising Gemini'
'OOH! the double signs. Interesting. I like Sagittarius. my daughter-in-law is one. And I work with  a lot of them. But you'll change you know, when you hit 40 you'll be a real Gemini. A double sign. Interesting.'

I was about to ask what was so interesting about double signs, when the bus stopped at a busy stop. The man started barking again with real gusto. About ten people got on, including a big black lady with a little boy in a vast pushchair that she parked next to me. Some people at the back of the bus began to shout because a guy in a wheelchair needed the little platform to be let down so he could wheel himself up. The driver said it was broken so half a dozen people had to get up, out of the bus and hoist up the huge guy in his massive chair. Bus was well and truly about to explode at this point.

"LET GO OF ME!,' wheelchair guy was yelling, 'PUT ME DOWN!'. People manoeuvred him into the aisle where he blocked the exit. 'DON'T TOUCH ME!', he roared as a couple of people slid past him to get out at the next stop. Everyone squished together to give him space.

'Oh dear', I said, 'I hope he's ok'.
'Nah, he's fine', replied Mrs Astrology, 'he just can't stand being touched. He's always like this. Like the man who barks- he just can't bear it when the bus isn't moving- you know- traffic lights, bus stops and such'.
'I see, so do you often see them?'
'Oh yes'.

At this point two things happened, the little kid in the pushchair next to me released his hands from his mittens and a lady who had been standing behind Mrs Astrology joined our conversation.

'Oh hello, I was listening to your conversation. I'm Taurus rising Taurus you know!'
'Oh wow, so very Taurus!' I said feebly.
'Oh! I'm Pisces rising Pisces!' said Mrs Astrology.
'Yes! and we should get on as from your year of birth I can say you're a monkey for the chinese and I'm a rat and...

 At this point the little boy next to me took my fingers and shoved them in his mouth, and started grumbling about something.
'Nicolas! Non!',shouted his nanny. 'Sorry about that but he wants to sleep and he mustn't because it'll screw up his nap times. We need to keep him awake.'
'We?...'
'He likes the plane. Make a plane with your fingers and land on his nose, like this'- Vroooom....
'...And what chinese sign are you, dear...?'
'WOOF WOOF!'
'Er..... vroooooomm.... Rooster....'
'What  about the Arab Zodiac?'
'Er, no idea... vrooom'
'GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!'
'WOOF WOOF!'
'...and dagger in the Arab horoscope, and maple in the Celtic...'
'...no, you have to fly your hand around a bit, like this- No! Nicolas! No biting!...'
'...so if you're born in 1968 or in 1980?...'
'VROOOM'
'DON'T TOUCH ME!'
... Nicolas! NO!'...."

 This lasted a good ten minutes, and finally I just staggered to the door, throwing off Xmas presents, Nicolas, Astrology women and slamming into Wheelchair who started to go berserk.
And there I was thinking the bus would be eerily empty like last time. Clearly there's a bit of a party going on every friday around midday on bus 56.