So here we are furious about the Narnia movie

Why, oh why, oh why?

So let's take a book, not any book, but a hugely popular classic from children's literature and turn it in to a movie. OK, nothing new here. But rather than preserve the book which, let's face it, has been proving for over fifty years that it is massively enjoyable, let's change the pace, the cast, the storyline and the general esprit.

And guess what? The result is absolutely fucking lamentable. The Chronicles of Narnia part 2 : Prince Caspian is an absolute flop.

Let's start with what is probably its major flaw : it's sooo long. Nearly 2 and a half hours... Nothing wrong with that at such (The Godfather, Schindler's list) but an absolute killer when the pacing is all wrong, which here it is, as the writers decided to change the order of things.

A reminder that all you real Narnia fans will not need : PC starts with the four Pevensie kids who are whisked off to Narnia, where they rescue the dwarf Trumpkin. He launches in to a long flashback of narnian history and the latest developments, mainly the life and times of PC. From then the kids and he go off in search of him (many trials along the road). When they finally meet it is the start of the battle which will, after twists and turns, save Narnia.

Let's recap the pace and order of the book :

1. Pevensies arrive in Narnia and meet dwarf (3 chapters).
2. Long flashback (the dwarf's tale) about Modern Narnia and Caspian (4 chapters)
3. Journey to Caspian, along which they are reunited with Aslan (4 chapters)
4. Preparation and Battle (4 chapters)

The movie does nothing of the sort, preferring to skip back and forth between Pevensies and Caspian for the first part, and then embarking on the battle sequences once all are reunited, i.e after about 35 minutes.

Many problems with this, the main flaw being that the dwarf Trumpkin has known Caspian for all of twenty seconds (it is not clear whether he even knows who Caspian is) yet still knows where to take the children and why he knows he must bring them to him. Illogical at best.

As a result the pace of the book/movie is ruined. The history of Narnia is swept over, Caspian's army forms effortlessly it seems, the journey to Caspian is turned into a relatively pleasant walk in the woods, the children meet the prince far too quickly. As a result all the groundwork disappears and too much (most) of the film is devoted to battles, including one, taking place in Miraz's castle, that is purely invented by the film people.

Doctor Cornelius is reduced to a minor character, the talking beasts are no longer personalised (other than the mice led by Reepicheep), no more giant, no more bears. Glozelle and Sopespian are given too much importance, Aslan practically disappears from the storyline. As always when personnalities are replaced by special effect-boosted battles, all subtlety and background are lost. Caspian is reduced to a juvenile, sulky idiot you want to kick in the teeth.

Here are many other things that were completely wrong : Caspian and Peter are like two creepy adolescent rivals, the journey to Aslan's How virtually disappears, the semi love story between Susan and Caspian is totally weird, the battle at Miraz's castle is absurd (the High King leaves his men to die??), the lack of Aslan turns the story into a tearful attempt to understand "Why? Why doesn't he come?" (bringing on issue of faith, which is much more subtle and less central in the book). For some reason a pointless scene resurrecting the White Witch was added, to show a weak and treacherous Caspian (damn! this guy was my childhood fantasy man, what have you done to him?)

That said, some bits, carefully selected, were ok. I think the Pevensie children are fine (though Peter overdoes the testosterone and Lucy seems slightly retarded), the badger Trufflehunter is sweet, the dwarves are good, Reepicheep is fine though a bit Disney-ish. The duel between Peter and Miraz is good. The final battle is ok. Special effects, especailly Old man River, were cool. Locations and scenery were good.

Er, that's it. The costumes were disappointing, the characters two dimensional, the storyline nonsensical and the pace totally buggered.

So there, a big nono. Narnia fans will get the best bits from the trailer, and non fans should, if interested, read the book, definitely not watch the movie.

For the next one, the Voyage of the Dawn treader, I have only one piece of advice : stick to the goddamn book.